"The only real stumbling block is the fear of failure. In cooking, you have got to have a what-the-hell attitude." ~ Julia Child

Resident Evil: Trader Joe’s Crunchy Cookie Butter

by Julie on February 9, 2013

in BHC Seal of Approval, Sugar and Spite

Get thee behind me, temptation.

Trader Joe's evil crunchy cookie butter

Bad. Bad. Delicious badness..

I’d seen this is the store and promptly averted my eyes. Some things you just don’t need to know about, you know? I don’t need cookie dough butter in my house. But I kept running into it in the aisles. They made it really hard to avoid.

It’s like the proverbial bad boy. You know he’s trouble. You know his intentions aren’t honorable, and you know the whole thing is going to end in tears. And every time you look up, there he is.

So obviously you go there. And when they offered a taste at the sample kiosk, of course I agreed.


trader joe's crunchy cookie butter

Behold my ruin

YES it’s good. Obviously it’s good. It’s got that thick, doughy texture and it’s not too sweet and it’s got a little kick of cinnamon going on in there, damnit. Delicious. Dangerous. Absolutely not healthy for you in any way. Is there any reason to even have a jar of this sitting around, except to grab a spoon and start the inevitable process of eating it straight out of the jar?

It’s the grocery product equivalent of an AK-47. You’ve got butter and you’ve got jam, marmalade and Nutella. You don’t need cookie butter. Nobody needs cookie butter.

It’s not so much me I’m worried about. It’s the Drama Teen. She-who-eats-frosting-out-of-the-can and puts sugar on her Frosted Flakes.

It does no good to yell at her, or lecture her on the dangers of an all-sugar diet. It has no effect on her, my volume nor the corn syrup. She is slender and has flawless skin and simply waits for me to pause in my lecture before continuing on up the stairs to her room with said can of frosting.

And what can I say because I remember I did the exact same thing at her age. Only it was a brick of cream cheese mixed with a cup of sugar and dyed blue. Or green. Or red, depending on my mood at the time.

And I grew out of it. I can only stand one little teaspoon of cookie butter before I start feeling pre-diabetic.

This is Drama Teen crack. Wait until she tastes this. I’m almost interested in watching the revelation cross her face so I can describe it as a writing exercise. I’m a terrible mother for even bringing this home.

The boy tasted the cookie butter this morning and nodded grimly. He knows his sister. “Yeah, maybe you’d better get two jars; one for her and one we can hide, for us.”

Well, I accept my fate. Stay tuned.

And damn you, Trader Joe’s!


{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

audrey February 9, 2013 at 2:35 pm

One sampling at the Snack Shack and it was clear that I could not bring that home. Of course I already have about a thousand boxes of Girl Scout cookies in the house to resist!


Julie February 9, 2013 at 3:01 pm

You’re a stronger woman than I am, Audge….
Except you’ve got all those Thin Mints in your fridge….


Virginia February 10, 2013 at 6:00 am

Wait. Back up a few paragraphs. Frosting in a can? Who buys that?
(no judgment intended, just another bafflement of my return to life in the US…)


Bruce February 11, 2013 at 8:40 am

Yes. Evil. And I wasn’t aware of it until you brought it to my attention, but am now lusting after it. You, in other words, are now an accessory to evil before the fact.


Lydia Dietrich February 20, 2013 at 4:33 pm

That’s not new, not new at all! This product is merely a rip-off of Biscoff!!!

Clever name for it, though. But then again, the reaping of praise & credit for re-branding an existent product is an easy harvest indeed *yawn*


Malia March 18, 2013 at 2:47 pm

If I remember correctly, Speculoose has less calories and less fat than peanut butter. Too lazy to verify, but I’m almost positive. Might be worth taking a look. 🙂


Julie March 18, 2013 at 4:27 pm

The thing is, I didn’t even know there was a thing called Speculoos! I’m always the last to know these things! We grew up thinking Goober Grape Peanut butter and Jelly in a jar was exotic. So naturally I fall on the Trader Joe’s cookie butter and think I’ve discovered the wheel….
But less calories than peanut butter? Meh. If I’m eating anything like this straight from the can there’s no point in counting calories..:-)


Leave a Comment

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: