"The only real stumbling block is the fear of failure. In cooking, you have got to have a what-the-hell attitude." ~ Julia Child

I Don’t Like Kale (With apologies to Monty Python)

by Julie on April 25, 2012

in Green Goddess, Vegetarian

Picture this chap in a Hawaiian shirt...

INT: Cheap diner. Mid-morning. All the customers are Trader Joe’s Employees.

Bad Home Cook: Morning!

Waitress: Morning!

BHC: Right. What have you got, then?

Waitress: Well, we’ve got eggs, kale and bacon; eggs, bacon, sausage and kale; eggs, bacon, kale, kale, sausage and kale; eggs, kale, potatoes, sausage and kale; kale, eggs and kale; kale, kale, bacon and kale; and mashed sweet potatoes with kale and bacon.

BHC: Have you got anything without kale in it?

Waitress: Well, there’s eggs, bacon and kale. That’s not got much kale in it.

BHC: I don’t want ANY kale.

Lovely Ex: Why can’t she have the sausage, kale, eggs and kale?

BHC: That’s got kale in it!

Lovely Ex: Not as much as the bacon, kale, kale, sausage and kale.

BHC: Look, could I just have the eggs, kale and bacon but without the kale?

Waitress rolls her eyes.

BHC: WHAT? I don’t like kale!

TJ’s employees (singing, and swinging mugs of beer even thought it’s 10 a.m).: Kale, Kale, Kale, Kale, Kale, KALE!  wonderful KALE!

BHC: Shut up! Shut UP! Why do you have to keep getting new kale products when you know how much I HATE KALE! Why is there a kale recipe on every food blog I read right now? Like here? and here? and HERE? I can NOT be the only person who hates kale!

Lovely ex: I think you’re over-reacting. Just order something and I’ll eat the kale. I love kale.


Waitress: SHUT UP! Oh, look what you’ve made them do. They’ll never go back to work now. Just order something, would you?

BHC: Fine. How about the sweet potatoes with kale and bacon. That might be good…

Young Female Trader’s Employee: Make sure to massage your kale before you eat it…


YTJ: Massage your kale. If you’re going to eat it raw. EXTRA yummy!

BHC: (horrified) WHY would I eat that stuff raw? It’s like horse flesh…

TJs: Yum, yum, yum, yum, YUM KALE! YUMMY KALE!!!


Runs screaming from diner, but secretly plans to attempt mashed sweet potatoes with kale and bacon. Will it turn out? Stay tuned…


{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Bruce April 26, 2012 at 7:02 am

I can’t wait till you find beet greens…


Dorothy at Shockinglydelicious April 26, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Hey, I love beet greens even MORE than I love kale!


Bonnie McCarthy April 26, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Justin once won a board game with the answer…Kale pizza…yes, there really is such a thing.


Julie April 27, 2012 at 7:52 pm

See? SEE? It’s all around me! Everywhere I go these days it’s kale, kale, KALE!!! Muaahhahahahaha!!!


Angelina April 26, 2012 at 2:26 pm

I don’t hate kale so much as it’s my least favorite dark leafy green. The only greens I like less than kale are all the really super bitter ones. You’re NOT alone and I am worn down by the insidious presence of kale on food blogs, at friends’ houses, and at restaurants. My mother and husband LOVE the stuff. The curly kale is the worst. You could scrub your shower free of mildew with it.

Last thing – if anyone is getting a massage it should be me. Not my dinner.


Dawn B May 14, 2012 at 8:28 pm

I bought a bunch of kale for Chris. Because I love him. HAHAHAHA!


Julie May 14, 2012 at 9:00 pm




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